Roku

A small row boat floats lazily along in the long, golden beams of sunlight. The crisp air smells of apples and leaves, while the constant lapping of the water sooths away the remainder of the day.

"So, is this how it is going to be?" I asked. I really didn't want to hear the answer, but I needed to. If for nothing else, to know once and for all.

"Yes" She answered, "It is. It has to be."

My heart pounds in my chest like the rap-rap-rapping of some crazed man trying to send a message to nonexistent neighbors in a long-abandoned tenement house. I can feel it building in my throat, my pulse screaming at me from just under my right ear. "I... I.... I can't believe it. Are you sure?"

The little wooden boat spins poetically around, unanchored and free in the confines of the lake. I look at her face, her neck, her hair... all glowing more beautifully in the afternoon sun. The curve of her collarbone dragging me back to stolen glances under the moonlight so long ago. Her eyes dance along the edge of the boat, searching for purchase in the graceful transitions in wood. She leans to one side, then the other, less uncomfortable than she seems, but looking the part for the moment.

A pause. Her decadent lips part... my heart slows to a single beat in each millennium...

"No." She says.

My heart becomes as stone, ready to slip into the waters and weigh me down until I can no longer hold my breath, and I become another purchase for the denizens of the lake to grow and feed upon until my bones return to the dust they are made of.

"No, of course I am not sure. But I feel it is right. And that is as good as I can ever answer you. "

I feel it begin... the closing of the darkness that will wrap my heart in the eternal black forever. "But we said... well we promised... and now this? This is where we stand? I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul. I gave you everything I knew how to give. And now you tell me you can't and won't? You tell me there is no way? Why not? WHY NOT?" I could feel them now, the tears. Building up inside me, begging for release. But I deny them, and swallow them back down.

"Because it just is. I cannot explain it and do not wish to. I have nothing more to say except take me back."

And there it ends. I began to row slowly and evenly... the little wooden boat cutting a vicious wound in the stillness of the lake's surface. Her gaze away from mine. Until we reach the shore and she stands, placing one foot firmly on the rock...my heart begins to fall from my chest...


I sat upright in the darkness of our bedroom, sweating and trembling. She lay there like an undisturbed angel, still covered in the sheet. I rubbed my temples, and felt her place a hand sleepily on my back. "You ok? What's wrong?" she asks, the sleep still heavy in her voice.

"Bad dream" I answer.

"You want to tell me?" she asks distantly, slipping quickly back to the void.

"No. Just a bad dream. All gone now."

She moves under the sheet, and my eyes feast on her covered form, my heart beating steadily now. "OK. I love you, baby. Goodnight."

With those simple words, the world falls back into line, and the nightmares go back to their pits, and I lie beside her now, holding her against me in the night.

"And I love you, woman."


9-25-10
Six years.