The Second Free Thanksgiving

Already? It's here already?

How quickly the wheel of the year turns when you are busy living.  But here we are again, looking the holiday season squarely in the face and scratching our heads as to how it arrived so abruptly. Wasn't it just July? No matter. Another Thanksgiving means another blog entry, and you just never know how this is going to end up.

Seriously, *I* don't usually know how these things end. I have a little seed, I blurb out an idea or two, and I sit to write. It comes out of my fingers almost magically, and usually in a single stream of consciousness. My Muse grabs my brain and squeezes out words that seem to string together into sentences and paragraphs with little input from my waking mind. Where was I really, though?

Ah. Thanksgiving. 

It's been a year since I wrote my first entry from freedom. It's been a year since I thanked all of you for your friendship, your kindness, your love, and (if you are in the military in any way) your service to the country I love.  It's been a year since I returned to my own family's table and shared the meal without drama or worry. Last time, I shared a memory about my grandfather, and how he carved the turkey every year rather than my father. (just in case, it's here ). My mother explained why later that day, and I laughed when she did. My mother reads my blog. Oh my. 

Let me get back on track here, Muse. You are dragging me around town like a cab driver going the long way.

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I have so very much to be thankful for this year. 

* My son. Oh, my son. Growing up and living in a world I bet he never thought he would ever live in. He's learning, though, and that's important. When he is older, he will look back on these times and know that they helped build him. I hate to see him go though such hardship, but I know he will eventually rise above it all. Strong and smart, but kind in heart. I'm glad he calls me now and then, too. It's nice to hear his voice.

* My daughter, resilient and growing. She's a beauty. The most Trumpet-playing-ist, Gymnastics-performing-ist, Hot-dog-ist daughter a guy could ever have. She's arty when it's art time, and she's dancy when it's dancing time. And best of all, she loves me. What more could a Papa want? She's bright and fun, and listens when it's listening time. 

* The family I'm actually related to, and the family I am not actually related to, including the families I am connected to through my loves. Even the family I don't see much (or barely at all, other than Facebook, and that's even hard to come by for me these days). I am thankful that they are still with me, and are still able to come together at the table. Old and new, and everyone in-between. You are all a part of me, as I am of you. For those I don't see nearly enough, please know that I want to see you, but our lives are so different that I truly don't know how. No matter, we sit together today, at different times and in different states, as one. 

I am going to single out my mother here. She's going to read this blog eventually, and I want to make sure she sees this in black and white. I am thankful that my mother does all that she does for her family. We give her a hard time, and we tend to say things like "You don't need to do all of this..." but deep down I know that she does. It makes her happy, and I like to see her happy. I am thankful for the chance to help pick up some holidays to host, but they will never be the same as what she put on.  Not better, not worse, but certainly different.  

* My car. My glorious chariot that carries me back and forth whenever I ask. Krähe could kick the crap out of Kitt and never even break a sweat. She connects the dots of my life. She is the pencil to my Funpad. She keeps me safe and gets me home, no matter where that happens to be.

* A steady job, and the ability to actually DO the work needed. 

* My Kittehs. All of them. Toady, Harpo, Pooper, and Meower. Ain't cats cool?

* For that particular person who got me to write all those years ago. That person who taught me about friendship, and  later about hookah. To you, I am ever grateful. (And I hope that you and yours have a grand day today!)

* And as always, My Loves. My beautiful, smart, strong, creative, caring, kind, daring, wonderful loves. They keep my heart safe, and my smile bright. <3

To anyone or anything I have omitted (not by intentional exclusion), I am thankful for you as well - Every single thing I have, every single thing I can do, and every single thing I can give.

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I hope you all have a wonderful day no matter what you do. And I hope you know that no matter what that is, or where you are, you are at the table with me and mine today. We are all a part of each other. 

And I am thankful for that. 

Eyelash

There you are

Now you’re gone

There you are

Where... Where did you…?

There you are

Come here, my sweet

There you are

Closer, closer

Closer still

There you are

Wait

Where did you go?

There you

No.

Gone again.

There you are

I’m holding you now

There

You

Are

Gone

Gone

No

There you are

Right there

Right here

Where you belong

Gone

Here

There you are

Yes

Here we are

Blink

Are we real?

Are we here ?

Are we?

Yes

Blink

Yes

Here we are

There we are

There you are

Here

Blink

Not gone

Not there

Right here

In my arms

Never gone

Never there

Always here

Right here

Right where I can see you

Blink

I can see you

I can touch you

Blink

There we are

In my heart

<blink>

There we are.

Together. 

Alone in the dark, with myself.

I could not see in the dark, but I could sense the nearness of the thing there. I could hear the low drawing of breath, and could almost feel the bristled fur against my skin. How long should I wait before reaching out to it, before stroking it? How long would I last in the darkness against such a fearsome and ancient creature? I steeled myself against it, and rose to my feet.

There, in the dark, I touched something fearsome. There, in the dark, I braved the chance of never seeing the light again.

There, in the dark, I let ran my hand over the gnarled flesh, feeling the framework of bone beneath. I let the fur run between my fingers like blades of grass. I imagined lying in the sunshine, warm and sleepy, with my arms outstretched. I could almost smell the earth beneath me, could almost see the blue skies above. I remembered the feeling of slipping away into slumber, unburdened by fear.  But that was a long time ago. I had let the fear grow into this that lie before me – A beast of its own, fanged and clawed and dangerous. I came down here when I was feeling comfortable in life, stroking the fear awake and watching how it still writhed in the greasy black. Fear, and nothing more.

In the gloom, the fear was almost beautiful. A glorious, wretched thing I nurtured and tended in the depths of my mind, now vibrant and powerful. Fear without reason, without cause. Fear that had no logical place in my life, yet it gathered and formed with a ferocity that surprised me.  Now you have these fears, too. They might not be the same as my own, but they are formidable beasts all the same.  Do you venture into that night and stroke them? Do you wander bravely into their lairs and coax them out into the brightening sky?  I do. I need to understand them.

And they need to understand me.