Weight of the Past

Burning daylight in your eyes, I fully expect to feel your gaze upon me, asking if I will squander yet another beautiful day. I wait, breathlessly for the words to fall from your lips, cutting me down for wanting to be here, quietly in your arms. I let my breath begin again, ever so quietly, lest I provoke you into yet another verbal tirade, tearing down my already injured soul.  I can feel the weight of your words forming in your throat...

And you whisper "I love you" instead.

Tears stream down my face as I realize that you are not her, that all the years I spent being trained to respond are gone, the demands for obedience and impossibly high expectations replaced now with love and tenderness.  And I tremble inside for having thought of you that way. I shudder at the thought of having to overcome these feelings in the presence of wonderful you, and I hope deeply that you can see who I am through the conditioned reactions.

"I love you, too," I reply, my hand tracing lazily over your cheek.




We are fragile things, conditioned over years by our partners, by our friends, or family members. Sometimes those conditioned responses spill over into every other part of our lives, and we begin to break down our natural responses and replace them with what is expected.  Sometimes for the better, often at the expense of ourselves. So when the expected response is turned on it's ear, we hopefully begin to see that we CAN feel good about our own reactions, and with some luck, they return along with who we really are inside. To all those suffering from this affliction, my heart goes out to you.  And I include myself in those people, and I try as hard as anyone to rid myself of those reactions that have been needled into me, but I fail from time to time.

So with love, and hope, I'll keep trying.

I hope others do as well.  Life IS beautiful.  We just need to remind ourselves of that from time to time.