So, yeah. Things move on in strange ways, and we are sometimes unprepared for them. Kind of like when friends just drop by and you are sitting there in your underwear wanting a burger and some tater tots, you know? I had a wonderful trip to beautiful and sunny Los Angeles recently. It was full of family and friends, and felt more like coming home than going away, which is good. I had the chance to actually contribute a little something to a CD release party for someone famous, met some exceptional people, and even got to help make the caterers happy at the end of the night. The Feast of Samhain was just fabulous, and I even got to celebrate with my Pagan lovelies! Not to mention seeing the Amanda Palmer show and meeting a really interesting human being there... It was just a great trip.
The return flight was supposed to be a sleep-fest, since I was just plain-old beat, but instead I discovered that I was seated to just the most fabulous human being and had a great conversation about so many different things. Truly, one of the best trips out there. And then I returned, into the arms of my other love. As I previously spoke, a goodbye into a hello, and it was warm and caring... more than I ever dreamed possible. And then the news fell. My sweetie in LA was suddenly given the chance to start a new career, and our life together became more possible. So here I sit, staring down the barrel of another holiday season, but this year I am not wallowing in the turmoil of a fading marriage, but instead I am reveling in the hearts of women I love, friends I care for, and family more than ever. It is a wondrous feeling, indeed.
Moving along (please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times), I get to thinking about how people perceive my public blathering about Polyamory. I wonder if there are a lot of folks just shaking their head. I'm sure most of you who read this blog know how I see the world. If not, well stay tuned, will you? But I do wonder sometimes. I get asked here and there if it's really necessary to be so public about my life. I think it is. I think that it's important to be open about this stuff (within reason, that is). There are certain details I don't need to disclose, and I don't. I DO think it is meaningful and positive to be up front about it, and to live by example... (and I often call myself "Mr. Bad Example" as many of you know).
Honestly, there are a couple things that cropped up lately in conversation that I'd like to share. The first is the concept that polyamory is somehow wrong. It isn't. It's beautiful. It's comfortable. It's honest and open. And it's for me. It might not be for you, but it IS for me. One of the concerns that pops up now and then is everyone getting enough time. Admittedly, it's tough. Sometimes very tough. But we keep trying to find ways to make it work. It's obvious that it is important to keep talking about all of the issues as they come up, and this one does from time to time. So far, it's worked out. As we spend more time actually together, I am hopeful that it will settle into a comfortable rhythm. We've had things that needed compromise, and we have managed pretty well so far. I'm certain we will continue to be considerate of each other's needs. Love goes a long way.
Another thing that popped up in conversation is the subject of someone wanting more as things progress. Probably. Who knows, right? I answered that poke with the same thought that I answer most other questions about things that haven't happened yet - I simply put my faith in our lines of communication. I think that we will be able to handle those kinds of things as life marches on. It will certainly be difficult to come to an agreement but again, I think that we can all be considerate. I'm even pretty sure that if one or the other need a little more time (or even ME!!), then we will be able to work out something that allows all of us to feel comfortable. I have lots of faith in what we share.
I'd be really happy to answer questions regarding any of this stuff. I believe in this life, and I love what I have.
Wrapping up, I suppose. Here is a toast, to starting new lives, to having new homes, and for the very best to those I love.
Without the trust and understanding of two very incredible women, all of this would simply be another life. Instead, it is truly magical. Onward and upward to the future. I don't know where it leads either, but this road rarely traveled sure has some beautiful scenery.
Thank you.
I love you both.
Because I am apparently too wordy for Blogger, I need a couple of these commenty things... :-)
ReplyDelete--
A window into what makes Martin Martin… :-)
I find the question of whether you need to be so public fascinating… If you aren't, then assumptions get made. Not just regarding you, but regarding those you love. I imagine THAT is a big part of why you're out there - judgment on you is one thing, but you want folks to see that everyone truly IS on board and honest, and not being taken advantage of.
But it's easy for folks to read and go, "Yeah, okay… of COURSE he loves it… he's got a chick on each arm. But what do THEY think about all this?"
Gina's been pretty forthcoming about her feelings in prior posts (hi, G!). But in the interest of opening that window a bit, maybe it'd be good for me to share my point of view (POV). Besides, I've fielded some of the same questions myself. :-)
Oh. Yeah… It seems I've outed myself. Gotta happen sometime, right? And besides, I love a good insightful discussion. :-)
Anyhoo…
A little self-identification here: I'm in a Poly relationship, but not identifying as such. Bit of a different POV. I have no interest, need, or desire to be. Who knows, maybe things will change. Maybe not. Stranger things have happened. But for argument's sake, I'm gonna say I'm more "Mono" than "Poly"
Martin is Poly. I knew that going into this.
Is Polyamory wrong? No, I certainly don't think so. I know people can and do love many people, and I do it to some extent. Any parent with more than one child does it, to some extent. Martin does it to a greater extent, but the result is the same - I don't feel unimportant because he also loves Gina.
But it took work for me to get there. That's where the honesty and communication come in. And DAMN, is that communication hard at times.
(Continued in Part 2) :-)
(Part Two)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't feel as comfortable with it as Martin does, but I also don't feel like it's a part of me like he does, so I think my discomfort is natural. The relationship is great, but it's like taking me and dropping me off in Germany without a return ticket - the beer's awesome, but I'm still going to feel like a fish out of water. But we adapt and learn. And the relationship is a GOOD one. Martin and I have been friends for a long time, and this… this is good. So yeah, I'll get my passport ready because it's worth it. And it's not like Germany's a bad place to be… it's just unfamiliar territory, and sometimes I get lost.
So the added benefit is that we DO talk. A lot. We have to. And things get out there and discussed, rather than festering and getting worse. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. Difficult topics have been raised, discussed, and worked through. Because I'm coming at things from a different angle, I may be more of a PITA about it, but I think EVERYONE here cares enough about everyone else to make this work, and that's a good thing. :-)
I've fielded the question he alludes to: "Will that be enough for you?"
My answer: "We'll see."
Not to be flippant or cold, but honestly, we're not there yet. None of us right now is at the point where that has actually become an issue, regardless of my personal tendency to worry about it anyway. The relationships are still growing - it's still early, everyone's being accommodated, and things are still young.
What I see as the issues for me personally? Not the love - that's what he does. He cares for his friends, his family, and those he loves, in this oozy fountain o'love that doesn't seem to ever end. So yeah, that's not the issue. Time and space are real, physical things that are inherently "or" rather than "and" (I'm a pragmatist - of COURSE my issues are the tangible ones!) - and those are the ones I'll personally have to work through. I know it, we talk about it, and we'll work on it. And if I dated a pilot? Or a trucker? Guess what. Same issue.
I have faith in this relationship too… It'd be disingenuous of me to say I have no worries, but so far, it's been a good relationship with a great friend (and I have a friend in G too), so yes, a toast. To a hell of an interesting, brave new world, and to the good people in it. Prost!
And yes. I love you. <3
So I think it would be cool to add my fi'ty cents here, too, since we all are throwing in. :)
ReplyDeleteHow do I feel about being polyamorous? I love it! This is my first poly relationship, but I already feel utterly at home in it. It's so freeing--never felt more free to be myself in all my life. And it's bringing certain aspects of myself I formerly hid out into the open that I really love (like boldness and saying how I feel).
Time is an interesting factor, especially with the time zone difference. We rotate the sessions when we're together or when we talk on the phone or Skype or chat. We have gone into this relationship knowing that we have to share time with one another (each of the two relationships needs its alone time)--knowing that up front helps make it easier. But issues do come up and we talk it out, being honest about what we want and need, and then we compromise, doing what feels comfortable. Because poly is inherently about negotiating (time spent with everyone, living arrangements, etc.), I think it is inherently a healthy relationship model, because all the learned people say good relationships are about communication and compromise. Good negotiating is made up of communication and compromise. You can't have a poly relationship without those things--it just falls apart. But those qualities can be brought into any kind of relationship, even monogamous ones, and used for the good of all involved. [One thing: it helps SO MUCH that Jen and I are friends--it would be MUCH harder to be able to compromise if we didn't like each other or didn't know and had no contact with each other.]
Another part of poly that I have discovered and really dig is the honesty factor. I've always been one to hide my feelings so as not to upset people--a habit from childhood. But here, you can't do that, or resentments will absolutely, positively begin to build up. If you constantly bury your feelings and don't ask for what you want, you surely won't get it, and you'll seethe for it. Not a healthy way to go. And so I have been working on saying how I feel, warts and all. Sometimes I backslide and feel the urge to retreat, but then loving arms hold me and give me room to talk. And I do. Because of who we all are, I can do it calmly and we talk about how we each feel--we don't yell or dictate or manipulate or guilt anyone else. We are adult and reasonable and supportive of one another, as well as being true to ourselves. And that's about as healthy as I've ever known from other human beings. And it's made me bloom as a person, so I have this relationship to credit for that.
As far as wanting more in the future (as in, to be monogamous with Martin), I highly doubt that I will. I was in a monogamous marriage, and I didn't like how it constraining it felt. I like the freedom I have in this relationship. It is fluid, and I love that (yes, little Stage Manager Girl loves the fluidity--how's about that?). Things can be changed if any of us are not happy with them--we are not bound by any fixed laws, just those conditions that we all create and agree to. Now the fluidity does not mean it's not a solid relationship--it is rock solid. The love I have found here is one hundred percent reliable, something I can count on completely (which is more than I can say for past monogamous relationships). I have gone into this relationship knowing that it is more than just the two of us, and I am happy with what I have found here. I've found unconditional love. And this is why I am here: the love is incredible. Martin does know how to love, and very, very well (I love how you describe it, Jen--I can't do any better than that!).
And so I'll burrow into this comfortable den and stay here.
I love you, too. <3
Thank you. Both of you.
ReplyDeleteFor everything. <3 <3
Thank YOU, too, Martin, for everything. <3
ReplyDelete