The Spotlight Revisited

"My flesh is mortal
But my soul is eternal

And I choose who I share both with. "
          -Me.

Somewhere in the night, I sang.
To an audience, no less.
It was amazing. I was completely awash with nervousness, but I sang and played my ukulele to a fairly full house at a local haunt.

A very long time ago, I begged the question, "Did you come here to see the show or to sing for us all?"

I answered that in a very different way at long last.  Now don't get me wrong, my life is pretty much an open book as it is. But this was a new adventure, one I have been avoiding for far too long. And now, I am aching to do it again.

The young man who works for me in my office laughed when I told him about playing my uke and singing. He asked me "You can sing?"
I answered, "We can all sing."
Again, he laughed. "No, I mean you can sing good? Like, you know... I have friends that sing REALLY good. I can't."
I replied, "Who cares? Just sing. Nobody even looks up in most cases. We put too much importance on meeting some mysterious standard. Just sing."
He smiled and said simply, "That's cool"

Bet your ass it's cool!
I was too nervous to have ANY sort of stage presence, but I did it. The guy working the board screwed with me a little, since he was fidgeting and messing for a while, and I missed the fact that I was supposed to be playing while he did.  But eventually, I just played. Gina sang "Coin Operated Boy" into a quiet mic, and the bar was pretty noisy, but she sang just fine. Even when the guest drummer totally botched the timing of the song up, and I missed a chord change here and there. She continued with "White Rabbit", then yielded the mic to me. I did my version of "A Pirate Looks at 40", "The Man Who Sold the World", then asked if I could do one more... I finished with "Hurt".  I was told to make love to the microphone, as I was too quiet.

So I tried.

I'm getting more comfortable singing into one, and I'll keep at it as long as I can.

Would you like to sing with me? There's plenty of stage and there's time.

Well?

It's All About the Moment

Did you ever just close your eyes when you held someone's hand? Just close them and *feel* that hand in yours? The way the skin moves under your finger tips? The supple texture of it? The tiniest of sounds as your fingerprint's ridges glide over the surface of that hand? The way that the blood fills and refills the delicious plumbing just beneath the skin? 

No? I'd recommend trying it sometime. It's so intimate. It's so very perfect. Close your eyes and try it. truly lose yourself in such a simple thing. You might be very familiar with that hand, the scars, the dimensions, the weight, and the temperature - but then again, you might be surprised. 

You might just discover that you only thought you knew that hand. 

Our hands are how we interact with much of the world. They tell stories if you are quiet and listen very carefully. Stories that you might have missed. 

I find myself working hard to live in the moments that make up life. Not the view from 30,000 feet a life passes by below, but actually IN the moment. What did it smell like? Was it warm? Did I feel anything unusual emotionally or physically? Did it taste differently than I expected?  Were there unusual or new things to see? I try very, very hard to do this because I've only realized how important these moments are in the last few years.  I suppose I've always done this, but not consciously until somewhat recently. 

Take that hand, close your eyes, and tell me what you see. 

It's all important. 

 

*Tap Tap Tap* "Is this thing still on?"

I've been busy.

Work is really busy.

Sorry I haven't seen you, I've been busy.

The year is just flying, huh? When did life get so busy?

How am I? Busy.




See a pattern?
Oh, HI! <picks up the microphone> There. Is that better? Can you all hear me now?
Good.

So yeah, I've been busy, it seems. Busy with work, busy with my loves, busy with life, busy with a whole bunch of things. But you know what I just realized? I haven't been living the way I want. No, now stop. You in the back, sit the hell down - this is MY show. You want to talk? Get your own damned blog.

But yeah. I haven't been living the life I really want. I've been floating through the days rather than living them, for the most part. I've let work become my excuse for everything - Why I''m not writing, why I'm not doing ANYTHING artistic, why I'm so damned tired all the time. It's WORK'S fault!

It might be partially, but in the end it's MY fault.  I'm just not living.   Now don't misunderstand me - I've had some AMAZING experiences with my loves. I've been to see some incredible bands, and to Boston, and NYC, and just so many great experiences, but the days between those experiences have been less than stellar.

You know what I want to do? I want to get back to the music I've discovered again. I want to spend more time singing in public and working on the Lovecraft album with my incredibly talented friend. I want to go to the park and make an ass of myself with my uke. I want to draw or paint, DAMN do I want to do that. I want to be able to BE the artist I feel inside. I have this craving to create.

I also have the craving to SHOP! It's time to freshen up my wardrobe and come to terms with the fact that (a) I've put some weight back on and (b) I want to look GOOD not only for my loves, but for myself. It might be time to go blonde again, too.

It's time to stop the excuses. I'm tired. yes. I'm busy, yes. But we all are, aren't we?  Isn't it time to get on living again?



Can you smell the Summer coming? Me too.

<drops mic back in the stand>

I think it's time to write a song.