Well now. Seems I make a little more noise than I intend, so I guess a little Q&A session will (hopefully) clear up some of the redness and that itchy rash.
I heard a couple questions in the past few days, and I thought I might share them with y'all. Here goes:
"Dude... what's up with the whole Deux Dames thing on your Facebook Page?"
Aaaaahhhh.... yeah. Well, see, Facebook doesn't allow more than one person to be listed in a relationship with you even if you list your status as "In an open relationship" (Oddly, that is the wrong description, but it's the closest one that the insane folks over at FBHQ offer). The two beautiful women I am in a relationship in both deserve to be listed at the top of my page. Period. It stinks to have to put one OR the other up (remember, I'm all about AND not OR, right?), so I found an interesting way around it. A FB page for them. It allows me to get their beautiful faces right there on top, and it allows me the opportunity to give both relationships the respect that they deserve. Honest. And even better than that, I had their consent (Really? Yes, really). We discussed various possibilities, but THIS one worked best, and I was more than happy to do it. Both smiles deserve top ranking, and they get it. Pretty cool, huh?
And no, it's not bragging or being boastful, but it is fair. I love them both, so why not have them be right there on the top of the page?
"You've badmouthed Monogamy before, and pointed out that it's wrong and backward-thinking. You're an asshole. Do you think that I'm less enlightened for being Monogamous?"
Ummmmmm.... no. I don't believe I ever intended to imply this to anyone. Being monogamous versus being polyamorous is about lifestyle choices (okay, inside Martin is the belief that it might be deeper than that, and that Poly folks are really wired differently, but that's another discussion). I don't believe that either one is more valid than the other, although I do think that polyamory is generally NOT accepted as a valid lifestyle, and is therefore frowned upon as being 'wrong'. And like so many things that are near and dear to me, I might have defended my choice a bit strongly in other posts. Hmm. What to do? I guess I'll just state flatly that if being monogamous is your thing, cool. It's not mine, so please don't judge until you talk to me about it and hear what I have to say. Of course, you're always free to form your own opinion, but at least give me the chance to point out the joys of the lifestyle before you condemn it, okay?
And here's a funny thing... one of my relationships is with a woman who is not, in fact, polyamorous! We work through issues as they arise, and we talk. A lot. No, really... a LOT! I'd like to think that there is enough love between us to be able to make it work, and so far, so good.
Thanks for listening, all!
I really am quite happy answering questions, and I invite anyone to ask and poke.
m
Funny - I know I was the source of one of those questions (although not lately, but still)... :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd although I tend not to be that public about my private life (despite showing more of a window into it lately, I really have no intent to keep that up), I sometimes feel that it looks like I'm being spoken for, so if anyone's concerned (or if I'm just being a bit too egotistical and THINKING anyone's concerned), here's my voice...
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The "Deux Dames" thing was partially brought about by me. Yes, truly - the monogamous one here. Why? Picture my POV - I have friends from work, friends from college meeting Martin now for the first time. One of whom has already friended him on FB. Do I want my friends (and potentially family) friending him, only to see "in an open relationship with !!!NOT JEN!!!"? (Not that half the folks on FB are THAT perceptive, but still... ;-)
Ah, no. I had issues with that.
And I didn't feel like dealing with raised eyebrows and "did you know he's in a relationship with someone else" and ALL those other questions. I especially didn't want the "oh, you poor thing" thinking... I'm not a victim, and my eyes are wide open here. My suggestion was to leave the "open relationship" status up there and take the names down, but I felt badly about taking that away from G. So this worked in a way that didn't have to take anything away from anyone.
So I feel a little goofy about the publicity of it all (and yes, I participated in the silliness on FB, so I helped make it that way), but it died down, and it seems to work just fine.
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The "Monogamy-bashing" was something I've gone toe-to-toe with Martin on in the past. And still occasionally do. I'm sensitive to the way things are worded, because although yes, I am well aware of what polyamory is, and how M and G both identify with it and embrace it, I don't feel it is an evolution from monogamy. I don't feel that choosing to be Poly is "growing" (over monogamy). I don't feel like I am any less enlightened for being who I am.
On the contrary, I've examined both sides, and I feel more firmly entrenched that I've not just made the decision society makes for us but I've made an informed one, one that I feel is deeply ingrained and probably just as hardwired in me as Poly seems to be in Martin.
So *I* get sensitive to any wording that makes it sound like I'm backwards-thinking, or simply conforming to expectations. I don't recall calling you an a-hole, though. ;-)
Problem is, when someone finds something they are extremely enthusiastic about, that fits them well and feels GOOD to them, they sing its praises. And sometimes that praise can sound heavy-handed in favor of that side of the coin. Excitement to one person can sound like evangelism to another.
Martin and I have butted heads about this (In my case, not being afraid to pipe up and point out a perceived slight on my part is key), and yes, we've gotten to the point where I believe he's sincere when he says he doesn't believe one is better than the other. In general. For him? We know his answer. For me? We know mine. And somewhere we compromise in the middle.
I'm not a "love conquers all" type... that's a longer talk for a different time, I think. But I do believe that understanding our issues and talking about them has been working pretty well (and the understanding-then-talking is like pants-first-then-shoes sometimes!). And if I ever DO find myself in another relationship, I plan to take THAT lesson along with me. :-)
Thanks for indulging me here... Although it wasn't Martin's intent, I don't want anyone to assume I'm being spoken for. I'd much rather let my own voice do my talking. :-)
Thanks for stepping up, Jen. You have a beautiful voice. <3
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, Martin. I do agree that poly is not widely accepted. Based on the monogamy-dominated society that we live in, anything else is not easy for people to understand, unfortunately. Hopefully over time and with some education, people will learn that people engaging in poly are doing so to have more fulfilling, loving relationships than they are able to in monogamy. I really believe that most people deny the shortcomings of monogamy even though they are deeply entrenched in the experiences of such shortcomings. Thanks for being a source of inspiration. Love ya, Tess
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