Cats in the Library

The house was quiet and mostly dark. Rain pattered against the windows and the kittens sat watching the raindrops glide down the window.  They glistened like stars as in the reflected light, moving either slowly or quickly as their size and weight dictated. The kittens pawed at the window, hoping against futility that one would end up in their belly. Alas, not.

 

I typed. The soft clacking of the keyboard my companion in the silence while the house was still and the sun warmed up the eastern sky. I typed, trying to express my thoughts in a coherent way. Trying to squeeze the juice from the somewhat dried lemon I called my creative mind. My other companion sat by me on the next chair, nearly invisible and waiting patiently while words flowed onto the screen. She watched in silence, a larger-than-life character who kept this library guarded in its early days. A Rubenesque companion to teacups, books, and warm laps. She let her eyes wander over the words, my face, the kittens, and the ever-expanding shelves of books.

“So, what do you think?” I asked her quietly. “Making any sense?”

She blinked, looked away, then replied “My bowl is empty, you know.”

“Yes, I know, but you really don’t have a bowl here anymore. But thank you for staying”

“Someone has to watch out for all of you.” She mumbled as she turned in the chair.

I felt her nestle down and get comfortable. The kittens became distracted and left the window. On the way past, the girl, much smaller than her brother, paused just for a second and looked at the two of us. She blinked slowly at my companion and moved past, leaving just the two of us in the library.  I pushed back from the table and picked up the ghostly cat from the chair. She glared at me in false indignance but settled lovingly into my arms. I leaned over and sipped my tea then carried her around the shelves.

“See what we did while you were gone? It’s grown, hasn’t it?” I whispered to her, kissing her ear and making her make the face at me.

“I have.  Not a place to sit anymore – at least not with the books. I liked it airier, if you get me. It is easier to get in there and listen to the whispering books.” Her eyes moved from my face to the books and back again.

“I don’t think we thought about that. Good idea, but the kittens aren’t you. They’re clumsy and full of themselves. It is one of their charms.  You were always so careful and respectful.  These two are so funny. They have too big feet and too long legs for their bodies. You? We never worried about knocking anything over. Them? Not so much.” I paused, “We miss you.” I felt my eyes get wet. I blinked the tear away and smiled at the cat in my arms.  

She blinked and started to purr a little.

“I know. I’ve kept them away from those glass things, so they don’t knock them over, but they are busy little kittens. I show them how to do things, but kids these days…” She smiled a little and looked up at me. I appreciated the joke and held her a little closer. “So, what are you writing, Big Person?” she asked quietly.

“I’m writing a little story for her birthday.  I really haven’t written much, and this seemed like a good thing to get out”

“Huh. Didn’t you tell her happy birthday already?”

“I did”

“Didn’t you tell her you loved her?”

“I did. You sure are full of questions, aren’t you?”

“So why the story?”

“It’s what I do, isn’t it?”

“I thought you took pictures. I see them around…”

“I do that too, silly.” I kissed her head between her ears, and she shook it off.

She looked at me and I smiled back. I walked all around the library with her and showed her all my favorite books that we added since she left. Giving me the usual cat indifference, I could still feel her purring against me, so I knew she approved.

“So many stories here now. I think I will make a little room from time to time and listen to some books.  They always want to tell their stories; but you must listen. Humans don’t listen enough.”

I nodded in understanding. The kittens flashed by the door of the library, then returned to watch me. Sitting patiently, they blinked and groomed. “I think the little masters want to be fed” I said to my furry black companion.

“They do, Bring me to her. I want to lie with her on her birthday.”

I got a little teary and kissed her again.

Ever so quietly, I made my way to the bedroom and pushed the door open a little more, careful not to wake her. My companion looked up at me and blinked slowly, rubbed her face on my hand then my chin, and began to rise. I tipped her towards the bed, and she landed, maybe a little more softly than she intended.  I watched her make her way around the sleeper’s feet and legs, then up along her body to her beautiful little face. She tipped her head down and licked her ever so lightly.  Again, looking back at me a moment, she moved to her usual spot, draped over blanketed legs and curled up. The sleeper moaned a little, made a sweet noise and sighed in comfort and love.   I turned away, closing the door behind me. As I left, my companion said “Wait”

I stopped and waited.

“I never left you. Either of you.”

I teared up yet again.

“I feel you every day. Thank you for being with us” I whispered very softy.

“Go feed the kids, They’re great. I’ll take care of them too.”

And with that, she put her head down and curled her luxurious tail around herself and went to sleep. I closed the door and tended the little masters. Fed and content they returned to their window to continue catching raindrops, although a little more slowly. I typed, working through the words. Alone with the kittens this time.

 

 Surrounded by stories waiting to be told and so very, very in love.

 

<3

Happy Birthday

2025

 

Writing Again. Again.

     It’s been a a long, long time since I’ve written. A long time. Years, even. But here i am again, thinking about what i should write about. I’ve got a single installment of “Dream of the Raven’s Gate” to wrap up and post and finally complete that damned thing.  We’re coming into the holiday season so i could write another Halloween story, or another installment of Black Friday, or hell maybe even an Angus tale. 

But I’ll start with this. 

Fucking Feelings

It’s been so long that i can’t even remember the last time i gave anyone an update about my life. But in these days post-social media nonsense, i feel like nobody actually needs an update on my life. It’s my life. It’s a little complicated, a little easy, and always very deep in emotion. But sometimes things come up  that are worth sharing, and this one feels like it might be that. You be the judge. 

I’m am so tired of talking about my feelings. So tired. Every time I dig down to be able to express what it is I want to express, I discover yet another goddamned stone I didn’t intend to turn over. But there it is, lying in the sun in its shallow grave, belly up and exposed. Thus it needs to be picked up and turned over and over. And over. 

And over. 

A typical conversation about my feelings goes like this:

“I feel this way. I think it’s because ‘Reason x’ and I’m doing these things to work on that”

Pause. 

“Actually, ‘Reason y’ seems to be contributing to the way I’m feeling, not just ‘x’. I’m not sure how to deal with ’y’ just yet so I’ll put a pin in that and think about it until I’m ready to feel it. Then i will and we can talk some more”

A few minutes later…

“As i think about it…”

And this is how it goes.  Eventually I’ll get to the story from my childhood about something that didn’t SEEM traumatizing until viewed through the lens of time and experience. And then I realize exactly how traumatizing my childhood was. And then I realize how traumatizing all my previous relationships were. And THEN I realize how poorly I recovered from all this. Somewhere in the middle, I spiral down into realizing how poorly I responded to all these issues in the past: Setting boundaries, protecting myself with anger and rage and hate, and bottling up the emotions so i could examine them later. You know…intellectually.  And as you know, thinking is as long way from feeling those emotions. 

So i keep my emotions buried and deep. I put them in little isolationist jail cells, and i call them my monsters. And then I learn to believe that they are important to who I am as a person. 

But who the fuck keeps betrayal and hurt and disappointment close to their heart just to not  forget what it feels like?  Fucking broken me, that’s who. And I’m tired of it. So I’m trying to let all that shit go.  Can you guess the spoiler here? 

It. Is. SO.  Fucking. Hard. 

But with people in my life who understand, and hopefully some therapy with a human therapist, I’m going to get through all this shit.

It’s time to grow out of these childish fantasies of tapping that hurt to protect myself in the future. It’s a lie I’ve told myself for decades. 

And I’m tired

The Ramblings of an Aging Photo Enthusiast - Vol.I / (Or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Primes)

 Oh, look. He's writing again.

I'm going to talk about cameras and lenses today. Yes, again.  Nerd Alert!!!

I spent a few bucks along the way on good camera bodies. I try to NOT own the entry-level cameras because for a little more money, I can get an older, more capable one. My "Canon Body Adventure" went like this: Rebel XT, 40D, 7D, 5D, 5D MkII. I'm not sure the 5D was actually an upgrade from the 7D, but that's how I saw it then.  Now, as ANY photographer will tell you, it's not about the camera so much as it is about the glass, but we're not talking a TON of money invested in these bodies. They were all old and all used and all far below book value (of you know me, you know I like a bargain.) amd they were all well-respected bodies for one reason or another...But the lenses - THAT'S where I get my ass kicked. 

You see, ANY new consumer-grade body come with a couple lenses. These are usually something like an   18-55 and a 50-200 or so. Higher end cameras might not, but you can still get a kit lens.  And then it starts. Primes, Upgrades, and Superzooms, oh my! We're told "When you outgrow your kit lens..." over and over and over by the same group of people who might recommend "only use one focal length for a year so you can master it" or some similar guidance. I've seen YouTube videos that show you how to take gorgeous night sky photos "with your kit lens!"  It's all very confusing and helps lead to GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome)

But we learn some things, right? Things like: Good lenses can cost more than the cameras we buy. All-in-one zooms (superzooms, vacation zooms, whatever you call them) are usually more affordable, but are generally a major compromise in image quality. A zoom is worth a handful of primes. Yaddah yaddah yaddah...

Here's where I'm headed with this: 

I have a fair number of zoom lenses that tend to cover a lot of the same range. I've learned that a couple primes in my bag mean a lot more to me than a bunch of random overlapping zooms. For my Canons, I've got a Tokina 19-35 f3.5-4.5 & 28-70 f2.8, Canon 24-105 f4 L, 80-200 f2.8 L, and a 70-300 f4-5.6. In addition, I've got a Yongnuo 35mm f2 & 50mm f1.8, Canon 50 f1.8STM, and a Rokinon 14mm f2.8...not to mention the adapted Zeiss Jena 50mm f2.8.  Any idea what typically lives on my 5dII these days? The Canon 50.    

It's crazy.  On my other camera bodies, I seem to have the same kind of thing going on. My Fuji X-E2? Fuji 27mm. My Pentax K3? That damned 35mm DA (although I'm trying to love the 21 mm I just got... sigh)...And my EOS-M5? The freaking little 22mm!  I just got another GF-1 for work... and it's got an Olympus 14-42EZ because that is the only lens I really have for it. But don't think I didn't consider grabbing that little 20mm Panny...because I considered it SO much!  

With all the glass I own, I'm falling back to something that is right around 50mm equivalent in almost every case. 50.  The most BORING focal length ever (or so I'm told by the internet) But I do love it. And I'm going to keep doing it as long as I want - because it's MY art, damn it. Give me my primes, TYVM.

I might really try to post a single image a week this year. If I do, let's come back in June and see how what my most popular focal length is, shall we? It might be interesting.

For now - Happy New Year. I hope you have a better 2021. 

m 

This, of course, was taken with my 24-105 L lens at India Point Park in Providence, RI.

Not a Prime.  ;)

Wondering Where to Wander

 Well.  

Here we are again. Another year winding down. Another year I committed to writing more, to doing things differently, and another year where I find myself looking back and wondering where the hell it all went .

Today, let's talk about hobbies, shall we? 

I have a lot of hobbies - these days I find myself obsessing about Photography and cameras, about my growing Ukulele collection, and about woodworking.  This year found me doing far more things around the house (Thanks, COVID) and trying to make the time to get all the stuff I wanted to do actually done.  If you know me, you know I have a passion for many things, and I wonder if I actually spread myself a little thin when it comes to what I want to accomplish.  I've invested in not on, not two, not even three - but FOUR camera systems. I've got a big old Canon 5D MKII (and I still have my older Canon 5D Classic, too) as well as a EOS-M5 mirrorless rig. I've got a pair of Fuji's (X-E2 and an X-T1), THREE Pentax cameras as well.  That started with a pair of Pentax lenses I bought off Craigslist with the intention of trading them, but the seller included the broken K30 along with the lenses, and it suffered form a non-working aperture solenoid. When I discovered that it was a pretty straightforward repair, I broke the camera open and fixed it. Using that camera, and realizing I hated the ergonomics led to the purchase of first a K5IIs, then a K3. I added a bunch of manual lenses, then a few less manual ones. I also reinvested in a Panasonic GF-1 beacuse I traded mine for the Canon 5D and miss it.  I got that to bring to work for macro shots using a macro lens I still had laying around. In addition, I had my old Canon AE-1P CLA'd and got another AE-1 for shits and giggles. Those are both film cameras if you didn't know.  I've taken some pretty decent pics with all of them, and each brings a different approach to my photographic game. The big Canons give me full-frame images that are spectacular, the Fuji's are Kings of the JPGs right out of camera, and the Pentax cameras all get me the ability to take very long sky exposures using the SkyTracer function.  

I won't mention the triplet of different point and shoots I've got in the pile because they were really inexpensive and added to the arsenal. I invested in a laptop that could actually drive my Lightroom needs, and added a 27" monitor so I could get some real work done on my pictures. As I said,  I like my camera gear. 

In addition, I've grown my Uke collection over the past year. Where I once had a Lanakai soprano and a Kala archtop tenor, I've added a Gretsch resonator, an Oscar Schmidt tenor, a Fender tenor, and a Vorson solid body strat-style.  I actually play them all. 

What else is there, though? How else do I spend my time? I bought a table saw worth using, and have plans to make my own frames. COVID made getting appropriately sized frames difficult, especially larger ones, so I'm going to try my hand at making my own - which means I'll need to make a crosscut miter sled, which means I'll need to spend a little more time there. 

And let's not forget my minor interest in Gaming...Jedi Fallen Order was a downright blast to finish, but then there's the board games and, well, D&D. I'd play more if I just could find the time to invest there as well. 

More time. 

That's the challenge for all of us, isn't it? Where to find the time to carve out and get to doing all the things we want to do. Between work, and the Have-To's we all have the same challenges - "finding the time"... So where does that time come from? Lately, my mood hasn't been all that great. The year in isolation has made travel impossible. Yes, I went to Chicago in February, but that has pretty much been it. I've gone for the same walks so many times that I no longer want to go. I've been to the same places so many times that they are no longer interesting. I miss travel - one of the main reasons I dove so deeply into photography was to take great images of the places I've been.  So what now? What do we do when we can't travel? What did I do before that particular bug bit into me and infected me with a lust for seeing the world? 

Simply put - I don't know.

But I'd like to find out because I need to.  I need to see the wonder in the familiar things, and I need to keep pushing that shutter button. 

Plus, I haven't written a goddamned thing since last year. That, to me, is a shame. But I managed to kick my Facebook habit this year. I keep the page because I don't feel the need to delete it, but I'm not spending much time there at all. THAT was a really good thing for me, I think. (And if you haven't seen it, watch Netflix's "The Social Dilemma" it's amazing)

So here it is. Hopefully, not the last for the year. Hopefully my Muse gets off her ass and decides that I need to get the words out. 

I'll try to see you all before the end of the year.

M

Through the Looking Glass

2019

What a year, huh?

So many people I know are saying that it was a hard year, and I cannot disagree. It was on many levels one of the hardest years for me in a long time. If it was for you as well, you have my heart.

But in many ways, it was an amazing year, as well. A year of growth, and a year of changes. It was the year where I discovered The Isle of Skye, and I saw Philly and NYC again.  I had some pretty cool adventures, too. I invested in a really nice camera (okay, two) and committed to taking better, more intentional pictures. I printed some of my stuff and hung it on the walls of my homes, even. I bought my very first new car- not new to me, but brand new! I'm never going to drive junk again, no matter how much I love it. I may buy an old car to play with, but not as a daily driver.  Also, I came to terms with some things that were always important, but never really made important in my life.

Things often went in funny directions, but there's always something to learn.


So now I sit here in an empty house, typing for myself and committing to blogging more in 2020. I will find people to challenge as well - do YOU want to write more? We all should, I think.
Maybe I'll actually do a photo blog as well, I'm not sure about that yet, but I think I'd like to.  Maybe I'll bring back Three Photo Friday on my Facebook feed - it was a good idea that never really got much traction because I didn't make it important enough. Maybe I'll finish The Dream of the Raven's Gate this year, or start a new character, or give Angus some love. Who knows?

But I know that the people in my life are really important to me. And I intend to keep loving them as I always have - with all of me.  I know that the person I am is going to grow and evolve and find new ways of being a better me. I'm worth it.  A long time ago, I was involved with a discussion about what you would tell younger you at any point in your life. It was a really great discussion (as they all were), and I believe that the advice I decided on then is the same I'd give now: We are all the same inside.
Every one of us feels the same things, I know that sounds a little hard to believe, but I do.  Every one of us has felt set aside, or nervous, or disappointed. We've all felt like the fake in the room at some point, or the last person YOU would want to hang out with. We've felt like we've fucked up BAD, or made the wrong choice, or made the right choice at the wrong time. We've felt awkward, too. But knowing that the coolest person you know has felt like an ass makes that person even cooler, doesn't it? More human?  Yeah - it does. At least to me.

As your friend and mine Mr. John Hughes made enormously famous:

"You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club."


I'm here with you - all of you. A photographer, an artist, a writer, a blacksmith, a basket case, an otaku, a nerd, a gamer, a runner, a mechanic, a parent and a child, a grandfather, and a criminal. I'm here with all of you, whoever you are.

I wish you all a happy new year 2020. I wish you all the best and brightest.

m

The Last Love Letter: Goodnight Starlight

Beloved,

If I had a T.A.R.D.I.S.what would I do? Would we go back again and again as we spoke so often about? Would we live our lifetimes over and over together in the chaos of the infinite universe? Would we just open the door and step out into places we made up together in our imagination?

I would not, however, go back in time and change what happened, even if it was "for the better". If I did that, it would change what we DID have. It would change the laughter and the love and the tears we shared. It would remove the memories I carry now and replace them with something that wasn't us. And I look back on our life too fondly to let that happen.  Instead, I'll sit with the hurt and the sorrow right now, and I will be brave and hopeful for whatever comes next between us. I'll go visit the secret library we built. I'll step quietly down the stairs into the basement, holding my breath so as to not wake my monsters, and cast the lamplight upon the volumes we have written during the life we lived as one. 

There's that story over there where we learned about how to share space, and here's where we cried over what wasn't way back when. Oh, and then there's "The Treehouse Stories"... always good for warm tears and sad smiles.  We have Calvin and Hobbes, and all those miles under our feet both together and apart. We have dreams we pieced back together after they were broken. We have collections called "Two Drunks in the Big Apple" and  "Dancing in the Park". So many others. All good stories to share, or to keep secret. All of Us.

So many little moments together. None of which deserve to be shattered or burned or thrown away. Each one, even if it is just a line or two, deserves to be read aloud in the darkness and cherished for what it is -  a piece of the larger story that we wrote over the course of what was "Us". 

I loved you then, and I love you still. I will sift through the picture books and collages we made in our life together and I'll cry a little here and there, as well as laugh out loud at the funny ones. I'll remember all the goddamned miles I drove to come home to you, happily. I'll see your smiling face and hold fast to the good times, and the bad. Both are deserving of respect in the bigger picture. We were a pretty good Us. 

So, as we need to write our new chapters, I'll send this letter off into the world hoping for a brighter tomorrow,  and say...

Goodnight Starlight, 

I'll see you in the sunshine. 

Love, Poet.

For I am alone in the dark, surrounded by OUR life
Dreaming under the sky of your eyes

Me and Bruce

Let's start with my loathing of Bruce Springsteen, shall we?

"I've got a '69 Chevy with a 396
Fuelly heads and a Hurst on the floor"
                                          -Racing in the Street
                                         

No, Bruce, you didn't. And either none of the people involved with the album didn't even like or respect you enough to tell you, or you simply insisted that it was going on the album like that.
Either way, you didn't ever have one of those. At least not in that combination.

I heard these lyrics in, oh, 1983 or 1984, 5 or 6 years after it came out. I eventually discovered the truth about the engine block/head combination impossibility and that ended my relationship with the man. Just. Like. That. Eventually, the "Born in the USA" single hit and if there was ANY love inside me at all for the man, it died with that song.

Let's fast-forward to Summer of 2016.  A woman who would become my partner professed her love for all things Bruce. It was one of the truly heart-breaking moments of our relationship, but we agreed to accept each other's faults (hers, for loving Bruce "her first boyfriend" ... me, for loving a woman who loved Bruce like that). We would find opportunity to banter on the subject, teasing each other about our respective positions. She hinted at dragging me to a concert, and I suggested she find someone else to take. It went like that a lot.

Until today.

I listened to this interview:
https://www.newyorker.com/podcast/the-new-yorker-radio-hour/bruce-springsteen-talks-with-david-remnick

His emotional awareness and candor in the interview betray my view of the man called "The Boss". I  listened to him tell a story about his aging father dragged from a schoolyard fight by his grandmother (a woman who also had a hand in raising Bruce) and point out that his dad was most upset because "I was winning, Bruce. I was winning..." He talked of how he understood that his grandmother went to get her only living child from that fight because he was too precious to lose.  He spoke of how his wife saved his kids from his wanting to protect them from any time in the public eye. I listened to the man I couldn't stand for all of my adult life become a human being - a fellow traveler on the planet we share.

I thought of all the times I denounced his songwriting and his musical style. I thought of all the songs I never listened to. And as I sift though my new feelings for the man, I wonder to myself,"What else am I wrong about?"


I'm not wrong about that motor, but I can forgive one lyric in a career of artistic expression?
Yes, I can.
What can YOU forgive, my friends?