It is ten minutes before eleven o'clock on April Twenty-first, Two-thousand Eleven. I have just auditioned for a play. My first ever. And I made it to the third reading. Impressed with that fact, I suppose, disappointed that I believe this chance lost. But hey, that's how it happens, right? You try out, you don't get the part, you try out again.
Here's the rub.
I was nervous. Really nervous. Like stomach flipping and dry mouth nervous. All the old feelings of self-doubt, of not fitting in, of being totally out of place and lost came rushing back in a single fist that punched me in the face. I wore my black bowler and a cashmere jacket... I felt GREAT when I left the house, got lost due to strange directions, and eventually ended up getting there with plenty of time. Then I looked around. So many young people. Obviously, all of them more talented than I. Standing waiting for the chance to go read, I listened to the others chat about being in this play or that one. I paid attention to the weight they put on their experiences. I had none. And then the nerves took over. I was dying inside. A person I desperately need to be gone forever surfaced like Marley's ghost. There he was, neither grave nor gravy. The Asshole in the Corner. "What are you doing here? You are too old to do this! My god man...suck in your gut! The hat makes you look stupid, not distinguished, so take it off and while you find a trash barrel, leave. Get out. Stupid idea to be here..." And so on and so on. You get the idea of who THAT guy is. It's not that I believe any of that shit, but that it was BACK, you know? Like where the fuck did this all come flying in from? I thought I was done with it a long time ago, and having it surface again? Ugh. So I am trying to Grok it. And evidently, I'm trying to Grok it while I wear it on my sleeve.
Why does it bother me so much? Not entirely sure. I really thought I was past all this. I thought that I could be ME rather than HIM for the rest of my life. Nope. There He was. Again. Back from the land of the dead. Who knew? I suppose the reality is that the Asshole In the Corner (AItC) is a part of who I am somewhere inside. As I think about it, I guess I should include the defense mechanism in some way that is meaningful to me. Hm. Embracing all that I am. NOT just sweeping it into a dark corner and hoping it goes away. I see. And as some of you know already: I do believe that we are ALL the same inside. So if I felt like this, I am sure MANY others did as well. Which means that I should have spoken to some more of those wonderful people...those arty people.
And I shall. Next time around. Next time I audition.
Now, there will be more going crazy if I actually GET the part. I'll be checking my email tomorrow morning... just in case.
Stay tuned.
Oh, and you know what? Thanks so much for cheering me on. It does feel nice to be be appreciated. For the record, it was a blast. And if I didn't get this part, I will be doing this again and again. I was nervous. I'll kick that eventually... <3 <3
Martin, I am SO PROUD of you for doing this. On one hand, I'm sorry those feelings surfaced and knocked you for a loop and made you feel bad, and on the other hand, those feelings can be learned from, as you're discovering. SO ecstatic that you WILL be auditioning again, and aren't going to let this keep you away. You ROCK!! And I see you onstage getting that part--it was meant for you.
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