Listen

"The cocktail party effect is the phenomenon of being able to focus one's auditory attention on a particular stimulus while filtering out a range of other stimuli, much the same way that a partygoer can focus on a single conversation in a noisy room. This effect is what allows most people to "tune into" a single voice and "tune out" all others. It may also describe a similar phenomenon that occurs when one may immediately detect words of importance originating from unattended stimuli, for instance hearing one's name in another conversation."

                                                                             -From the Wikipedia entry for "Cocktail Party Effect"



Open your ears to the rest of the party. There is music, there is laughter, and there is so much more going on. Expand your mind, open your senses, and broaden your focus. There's a party, my good fellow! A PARTY!  Move to the music, grab a partner and dance with them, share your smile! Don't sit there alone in the corner and play with the cat! Don't hide your smile behind your hands! Cavort! Frolic! Swing those hips! I mean, seriously!  Don't just sit in the corner and pet the cat, people!  Be involved. Talk to LOTS of people and learn about them. 

I could offer the same advice about life, too. Open your arms and embrace the whole world! Love freely, be forgiving of those who you might not otherwise think should be. Smile a lot. Laugh. Sing, Dance. Don't waste life picking everyone apart for things you don't understand or agree with. Choose to be HAPPY. 

A long time ago, I was that guy, You know the one. The guy you just dread talking to. The Asshole in the Corner.  I scoffed when a dear friend of mine went on a negativity diet and said nothing but positive things for 30 days.  I decided to try it. And you know what? I felt better. My feet stopped hurting as much as they were, my back wasn't so painful every morning. I felt better, and I haven't looked back a day since. Yes, I have my days, we ALL do, but it was such a meaningful choice. And to this day, I try hard to be the ray of sunshine that brightens the day.  I was told at work by someone that I am always singing and smiling, and I am positive. THAT was worth the investment in myself right there.  To brighten someone's day is such a gift. 

So, Listen more. Smile more. Laugh more. And CHOOSE to be happy. Life's to damned short to be otherwise. 

My heart is free, my soul is smiling, and I am proud to be who I am. 

Recently, someone special offered up a set of "Team Love" stickers. When I was that guy, I would not have been so touched by that small gesture. These days, I'm a grinning fool

Fly my loves. 

Fly!

And hug more. It's good for you. 

The Spotlight Revisited

"My flesh is mortal
But my soul is eternal

And I choose who I share both with. "
          -Me.

Somewhere in the night, I sang.
To an audience, no less.
It was amazing. I was completely awash with nervousness, but I sang and played my ukulele to a fairly full house at a local haunt.

A very long time ago, I begged the question, "Did you come here to see the show or to sing for us all?"

I answered that in a very different way at long last.  Now don't get me wrong, my life is pretty much an open book as it is. But this was a new adventure, one I have been avoiding for far too long. And now, I am aching to do it again.

The young man who works for me in my office laughed when I told him about playing my uke and singing. He asked me "You can sing?"
I answered, "We can all sing."
Again, he laughed. "No, I mean you can sing good? Like, you know... I have friends that sing REALLY good. I can't."
I replied, "Who cares? Just sing. Nobody even looks up in most cases. We put too much importance on meeting some mysterious standard. Just sing."
He smiled and said simply, "That's cool"

Bet your ass it's cool!
I was too nervous to have ANY sort of stage presence, but I did it. The guy working the board screwed with me a little, since he was fidgeting and messing for a while, and I missed the fact that I was supposed to be playing while he did.  But eventually, I just played. Gina sang "Coin Operated Boy" into a quiet mic, and the bar was pretty noisy, but she sang just fine. Even when the guest drummer totally botched the timing of the song up, and I missed a chord change here and there. She continued with "White Rabbit", then yielded the mic to me. I did my version of "A Pirate Looks at 40", "The Man Who Sold the World", then asked if I could do one more... I finished with "Hurt".  I was told to make love to the microphone, as I was too quiet.

So I tried.

I'm getting more comfortable singing into one, and I'll keep at it as long as I can.

Would you like to sing with me? There's plenty of stage and there's time.

Well?

It's All About the Moment

Did you ever just close your eyes when you held someone's hand? Just close them and *feel* that hand in yours? The way the skin moves under your finger tips? The supple texture of it? The tiniest of sounds as your fingerprint's ridges glide over the surface of that hand? The way that the blood fills and refills the delicious plumbing just beneath the skin? 

No? I'd recommend trying it sometime. It's so intimate. It's so very perfect. Close your eyes and try it. truly lose yourself in such a simple thing. You might be very familiar with that hand, the scars, the dimensions, the weight, and the temperature - but then again, you might be surprised. 

You might just discover that you only thought you knew that hand. 

Our hands are how we interact with much of the world. They tell stories if you are quiet and listen very carefully. Stories that you might have missed. 

I find myself working hard to live in the moments that make up life. Not the view from 30,000 feet a life passes by below, but actually IN the moment. What did it smell like? Was it warm? Did I feel anything unusual emotionally or physically? Did it taste differently than I expected?  Were there unusual or new things to see? I try very, very hard to do this because I've only realized how important these moments are in the last few years.  I suppose I've always done this, but not consciously until somewhat recently. 

Take that hand, close your eyes, and tell me what you see. 

It's all important. 

 

*Tap Tap Tap* "Is this thing still on?"

I've been busy.

Work is really busy.

Sorry I haven't seen you, I've been busy.

The year is just flying, huh? When did life get so busy?

How am I? Busy.




See a pattern?
Oh, HI! <picks up the microphone> There. Is that better? Can you all hear me now?
Good.

So yeah, I've been busy, it seems. Busy with work, busy with my loves, busy with life, busy with a whole bunch of things. But you know what I just realized? I haven't been living the way I want. No, now stop. You in the back, sit the hell down - this is MY show. You want to talk? Get your own damned blog.

But yeah. I haven't been living the life I really want. I've been floating through the days rather than living them, for the most part. I've let work become my excuse for everything - Why I''m not writing, why I'm not doing ANYTHING artistic, why I'm so damned tired all the time. It's WORK'S fault!

It might be partially, but in the end it's MY fault.  I'm just not living.   Now don't misunderstand me - I've had some AMAZING experiences with my loves. I've been to see some incredible bands, and to Boston, and NYC, and just so many great experiences, but the days between those experiences have been less than stellar.

You know what I want to do? I want to get back to the music I've discovered again. I want to spend more time singing in public and working on the Lovecraft album with my incredibly talented friend. I want to go to the park and make an ass of myself with my uke. I want to draw or paint, DAMN do I want to do that. I want to be able to BE the artist I feel inside. I have this craving to create.

I also have the craving to SHOP! It's time to freshen up my wardrobe and come to terms with the fact that (a) I've put some weight back on and (b) I want to look GOOD not only for my loves, but for myself. It might be time to go blonde again, too.

It's time to stop the excuses. I'm tired. yes. I'm busy, yes. But we all are, aren't we?  Isn't it time to get on living again?



Can you smell the Summer coming? Me too.

<drops mic back in the stand>

I think it's time to write a song.

Grrr...

I missed the sign-ups for Boston's Run to Remember this year mostly because I dragged my feet, but in part because there was a significant rise in registration after the Marathon Bombing.  I found out this morning (I've had my eye off the ball, ok?) that there are NO SPECTATORS ALLOWED at the start/finish line.

Are you fucking kidding me?

The applause and roar that hits you when you come down that straight to the finish line is such a boost. I am not competitive by nature, but damn if that really doesn't get you going. So the absence of that crowd at the line will be horribly missed. I can imagine that the volunteers will still be cheering, but that's not the same, is it?

And it also means that the jackasses who bombed Boston have won.

Boston Strong?  No. Boston lied down. It was just a slogan after all, wasn't it?


We can keep enormous public places such as airports safe from terrorists with expert screenings by those wonderful TSA agents. We can keep Disneyland safe with private security screenings and we can identify individuals with automated camera technology. Hell, we can even keep the 911 Memorial safe with a process strongly resembling an airport screening, but we can't do this is Boston even AFTER it's already been attacked? I wonder how many people pass through the gates at O'Hare every day? I bet it's a shitload more than the crowd attending the Run to Remember tomorrow.  I guess it's just too much to ask.

There is a huge part of me that wants to go get arrested for standing on that bridge and cheering the runners on. I know I won't, because if the other associated negatives that go along with that, but damn do I want to.

If you are running the race this weekend, then YOU are Boston's Strong. You didn't lie down and let terrorism take over your life, and I applaud you.

This is Memorial Day Weekend. A time when we are supposed to honor those fallen in defense of our freedom. Boston's Run to Remember is about that as well.  Let's not forget that we are still free. At least until we lie the fuck down willingly.

Standing Ground

I won't ever lie down.

No matter the efforts to make me, I won't do it. I will not be scared off of my land by any act of terrorism, nor will I simply resign my rights as an American in the name of  "National Security". I will question authority always, I will push back where I can, and I will not give up the things I love when threatened.

I'm stubborn like that.

The bombing of the Marathon today scared people I love, and that is more than enough reason to never slip quietly into the dark mass of sheep willing to be afraid to keep doing what they love. I doubt any of the runners today would consider not competing again, given the chance. I am going to run through the streets of Boston in a month or so. I'll be aware of the increased security that is bound to be in place, and I will grudgingly line up in the inevitable lines to be screened before running, but I WILL run. It would be a disgrace to do otherwise.

I am happy being the man I am. I take chances, but there is little to be gained from being timid. Some consider this to be a fault of character, but I do not. I wear my scars proudly, and I savor the pain that I endured to gain them. Each one is a sentence, or a word, or a paragraph waiting to become a part of my lifelong story, and so far I've got quite a tale going. Look closely at my heart and you'll see the map of my travels. You will see the roads I have taken to be who I am, and the places I've been. You will read between the lines and surmise that I am careless with my heart and my body.

And you'd be wrong.

I am not careless. I am daring. I stand before you naked and honest about all the mended bones and all the bandaged flesh. I am more than the sum of my parts. I have wrapped myself in chance, and I am happy to fail again and again, each time rising to accept the pain and hurt. Each time, learning more of what it means to be me.

To those wanting the world to tremble with fear, I am the enemy. I will never lie down before you.

Never.

And I strive to inspire others to do the same.

Stand up and shout to the world that we will not be afraid to be who we are.

I am Wicked.
I will not go quietly.

Will you?

A Holiday in Winter

our hearts entwined

our lives a tangled mess

our souls bound

ever in love

our eyes flash

our skin burns

our fingers clasp

ever in love

our minds wander

our breath hitches

our smiles shine

ever in love

the rose ne'er wilts 

when it grows in a garden so grand

and an unfamiliar road leads you

ever in love